Motherhood · Musings

Yesterday

I had my heart broken into bits yesterday at work.

I was late for NAT, was scolded by a Coor because of unprepared classrooms, caught unready for the test administration’s small but important details, bound by a proctor’s pag-iinarte (sinalo ko lang naman ang proctoring responsibilities nya), missed my lunch (nawalan na din naman ako ng gana), shouldered all tasks that were supposed to be worked by 3, and got stuck in a traffic on a rainy afternoon with only an hour to spare before the schedule of the test materials’ retrieval ends.

I felt so inefficient, unprofessional, pressured, and exhausted.

While waiting for the van to move and get me home later that unfortunate afternoon, I almost burst out crying. My head was spinning, my neck hurt, and I was honestly caught in the middle of wanting to just cry and lie down because of tiredness or to speed up flying so I could go home already. My soul almost gave up.

But when I arrived in our house, what I did was switched the electric breastpump on and started attending to my Mommy duties.

Yesterday, I was inefficient, pressured, broken, and exhausted.

But as the days continue to prove that this week’s a series of unfortunate events I can’t help from happening, I am struck with the realization that God still is, and ever will be, holding me as I go through every stumble and fails of my life. Truly, when nothing cannot be handled anymore when standing up, one should kneel down. And that’s why I can still keep up and fight. I fight despite being crushed by responsibilities, I go on even when weighed down with baggages of exhaustion, demotivation, and pressure. Not just because I don’t have a choice but to do all my responsibilities, but because I know God is good to me. My prayers and faith change the way I view things, and this change in mindset changes how I behave in difficult situation. This is very important because life is a series of ups and downs, of good and bad, and happiness and sorrow. It’s very easy to just give in to depression and exhaustion and give up, but that is not the only way. It’s in our realization and conscious choice that we can draw the strength and hope to continue facing our today and tomorrow.

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